Hello the Loves of my Life!
I regret that I have to end our long term torrid love affair as all of you will quite literally be the death of me someday. It’s not you, it’s me.
You see, standing all of 4’10”, at my heaviest of 156 lbs, I could no longer find clothes to accommodate my short stature and wide stance. I no longer found enjoyment in being in photographs nor could I sustain a gaze with my own eyes in the mirror. I was repulsed with how far I had fallen from my slim physique of old & how I had always taken it for granted. Frankly I had all but made peace with the fact that the fading of the ‘petite me’ was just the right of passage that all mothers had to travel.
I know what all of you are thinking, ‘oh this again, she’ll be back, she always comes back.’ But at last, no, no – this time it is for keeps. I will not be crawling back to eating a large bowl of fried rice after a hard week at work. I will not give way to eating half a New York sized pizza pie with pepperoni and sausage because the tomato sauce served as my serving of vegetable. I will not fall for the rapture of the finger licking goodness of the Family Sized Nachos Doritos that made watching even the most boring of television better. No, this time, it is different because it needs to be rather than a mere fancy of wanting to be.
To be what you may ask? Being skinny is overrated you may say. Ahhhhh I can hear all your arguments for maintaining status quo now. I know this is difficult to accept but I don’t want to be thin or skinny. I don’t care about being a size 2. I want to be healthy!
You can raise your eyebrows in disbelief if you want but I have come to realize that vanity itself was just a want, not a need. It’s like walking pass the Coach store tempted by the newest brilliant bag in the shop window and asking myself; do I want the Coach purse or do I need the Coach purse? Having grown up rather money stricken, I have almost an innate knack to discern a want from a need and fend off many materialistic temptations if I don’t absolutely need it. Oddly enough, this otherwise positive mentality intertwined itself with my subconscious in regards to my body; do I want to be thin or do I need to be thin?
But fate has shown me that I wanted to be thin but I needed to be healthy. This change of goal alleviated the pressure of the dreaded scale and it gave me the thirst & drive to succeed. All the times I told you guys that I was ‘busy’ I was really pouring hours into research. For the first time in my life I was introducing myself to a new relationship with food. I learned that moderation is key. I learned that the eminent banishment of any of my favorite foods was a formula for long term failure. Most importantly, I learned that no matter how long, how often, or how hard I train at the gym, I can not out-gym regular gluttony portions of you Rice, you Pizza, or you Nachos Cheese Doritos. And it is this very realization that I must send us on our separate ways and to ‘see other people.’
I have to admit that being Chinese / Mongolian descent, Rice, you will be the most difficult to part with as it was customary to see you at lunch and again at dinner. But I want you to know that I am very happy with Quinoa and hope that someday you can appreciate that knowledge has allowed me to find substitutions without sacrificing enjoyment. You would like Quinoa, maybe the both of you can hang out one day and be friends?
Anyway, I just wanted all of you to know that you will always be a part of my life but just in a far less frequent and diminished capacity. I have found substitutions or healthier versions of all of you and really hope that you will be happy for me.
For Additional Posts About Healthy Choices: Fun Size Nation